Vallala Sravya
The idea of home has got complicated time and again during this lockdown. It has been longed for by the migrant population who have walked thousands of kilo meters in hopes of getting a home.
On the other hand a huge spike in domestic violence has exposed those who desperately needed escape from home. For many who lost jobs and hostel spaces the only option has been to return to familial homes.
The situation has been extremely trying on women and queer youth who have been removed from their spaces and have been forced to move in with non-supportive families. Although physical violence within marital homes receives insufficient but existent recognition, other forms of violence such as excessive control, restriction of movement, absolute domestic burden, and constraint on self-expression which take huge toll on mental health of the person on receiving end, are rarely discussed.
The idea of home as a woman’s place has operated in cutting them off from the public sphere and in imposing domestic demands on them. This makes any other ventures they might want to pursue in public sphere secondary. Patriarchal impositions and so called honour is repeatedly invoked to inhibit their freedom.
Even today few women are allowed to leave their homes for university education. That space too has been taken away from them due to the pandemic resulting in them having to pursue education from within the confines of their home.
Anjitha is one of the students who left hostel for home due to the shutting down of university hostels across country, has said, “I will never be able to go out from home like my male counterpart. Using of laptops, mobiles and all are scrutinized. There is surveillance and to get a call after 9pm is very much frowned upon. I thought I will be home for 1 week or so and it has been 5 months. I decided not to stay home after my 12th.”
Speaking to The Kashmiriyat she said she is not comfortable at home. It is quite depressing to be here for this long, I feel isolated and I don’t have any friends here. I can’t meet anybody despite the situation also. I have nothing to do, during this situation. I haven’t been able to attend any academic lectures because of the network and also being on phone is not really appreciated. I haven’t seen a movie in my hometown. I did for the first time when I was in UG. My parents know I do it there but they don’t want me to do it in my town because there is a lot of moral policing. I can’t be seen with anybody or make friends”.
Friendships and leisure aren’t considered as needs for women or appreciated. When asked about how the lockdown has affected her Sara said “lockdown is not out of ordinary for me. I have done this for a long part of my life where it is just me and four walls. I was never allowed to go out with friends or sleepovers, I was only ever allowed to leave home for college or office. When I was working I would lie about working on Sundays and use my day off to meet my friends. I had also created this leeway during the day where I was not at office, not at home and not travelling. I would just sit somewhere for a short time to relax and make in it time I have told my parents. It was pretty big for me to get the opportunity to leave home for university in another city. People used to find it odd that I would take so many walks around the campus but for me it makes up for how tough it was at home, I could never do that before”.
Sara also worries about managing her academics as the burden of preparing meals is now solely on her. In these times when monotony of everyday and feeling of claustrophobia is affecting everybody’s life there has been a common longing to escape confines of home. One can only imagine the plight of the ones who are unable to access a change of space almost permanently and the ways in which it can set back one’s career by limiting them both an environment conducive to work and exposure that would allow them to further their careers.
While domestic burdens are over whelming, there has been additional burdens of anxieties related to future for women. For all the interviewed women moving away from home and having financial independence is the only way out of forceful marriages. The lockdown has made employment prospects and future plans of these women uncertain. Familial codes of conduct negate identities and desires of children.
Anjitha, who identifies as an asexual person, said “It is very frustrating I have been telling them I don’t want to get married since I was 14 or 15 and they haven’t taken it seriously. My parents will probably make me see a psychiatrist but I think they will eventually understand”. Marriages are still considered crucial milestones in women’s lives to be conducted in a strict timeline.
Women are micromanaged and emotionally pressurized till date for the same. ‘V’ says “it makes me feel extremely suffocated and scared every single day. I am scared I will be put in a situation where I can’t defend myself or fight for myself in marrying someone of my choice and end up in a marriage that is forceful. I am questioning my sexuality. I have deep rooted anxieties in even exploring it because I am terrified my family might come to know. They are unbelievably homophobic”.
Many women are now audience to future plans families have laid out for them more than before since being in confined spaces doesn’t allow them to escape triggering conversations. It has resulted in increased anxieties. Uncertainty in job market is certainly not helping, leaving them alone in their struggle with mental health.
Rarely do we find sexualities and autonomy over identity being respected within families. It can be argued that women face a special disadvantage as they are more prone to be micromanaged. But feminine traits, in people who are identified as men by the society, are considered especially insulting and defamatory to the family.
Sanjith, who has come out to their parents as a non-binary person has said “I haven’t experimented with my femininity as much so I wasn’t dressing in any deviant fashion, so it did not affect them as such. My parents wouldn’t have a problem with it as long as other people don’t figure it out. Since I am a man in society’s gaze, for me employment comes before marriage in the sequence of things. My parents are supporters of heterosexual family systems. Although I’ve come out to them there is acceptance but there is no acknowledgement. I face this identity crisis at home, I have so much to say and I can’t. They have so much to say that’s unreasonable that it seems pointless to continue the conversation. It led to a lot of friction when they started to realise that me and my sister aren’t on the same plane as them, given the generation gap”.
Person ‘A’ who identifies as non binary has added “My parents and everybody I know at my home come from a conservative background, it is something that makes my living with them incompatible. I had my ears and nose pierced last time I was home. My mother was quite relentless to get it removed. When I gave in she was happy that I did. Growing my hair long didn’t sit well with her also because it made me feminine in her opinion. She has family values and there is concern about how we are presented to neighbors. I have to hide a great extent of my sexuality in front of them”.
Queer people and women are deprived of the feeling of being oriented within homes which makes everyday experience quite difficult. Within households a hierarchical structure places heteronormative men on the top. It can be said that the household itself organises itself around a heteronormative man.
‘A’ has added “Ironically being a male in my family’s gaze gives me a lot of privilege and a certain leeway. I do get to have a lot of say and it is possible for me to stay away from home for this long, despite me not abiding by their wish. Those are the things I can get away with that my sister probably won’t be able to get away with”.
Home has already been fairly impermeable by law, where one is not able to access all their rights. Judicial intervention in the realm of familial homes has been extremely limited in India as the law is supportive of patriarchy and heterosexist as pointed out by feminist scholarship time and again. Although there are several accounts of infantilization of women and negation of queer identities within household, directly undermining the rights given to them by the state, intervention through activism has been extremely difficult because of the status and importance given to family structures. It is through articulation of what a space away from home is, that one describes what a home is for them.
When asked about it ‘V’ said “Space away from home for me is space away from my father physically, emotionally and financially, and anything that reminds me of how he makes me feel. My relationship with him involved emotional abuse and gaslighting for as long as I remember. I am always walking on eggshells around him. I have more personal space away from home, and that in turn reflects in more control over my emotions”.
Sara added “staying away from home means having a general sense of ownership over one’s own life. Being able to make your own decisions and exist without having to explain every step of the way. Being able to eat, sleep and wake up when you feel like without getting yelled at. These sound like smaller things but those together make the entire change eventually. When I’m away from home these little things don’t matter as much. I have more space to focus on doing well with other life experiences and opportunities that I can’t even think of right now.
Taking up an internship while I’m home sounds so daunting because I will have to explain why I am taking it up. I am not even able to think. My brain is at capacity and I don’t even have the space to think about future as well as I could have outside of home. People think this is age old stuff that doesn’t happen anymore but it does”.
It isn’t just occupier’s individual relationship with home, but also relationships between constituent members of a household that affects one’s functioning. Home can only be a restorative place as long as it guarantees dignity, safety, privacy and opportunity to develop one’s identities.
Oppression and disadvantages of the outside world are continued in home for everybody who is not a hetero-normative male. Women and queer people are to be perceived not just as victims but also as ones who are putting up everyday acts of resistance. They constitute a section of society that is currently redefining family and forming safe spaces for a more inclusive future.
The inability to access safe spaces both physically and due to limited freedom to communicate dictates the urgency to have conversations that complicate home and family. Home and family are still extensively portrayed as positive experiences, excluding an overwhelming majority from having the means to process their situations.
It is often difficult to come to a realisation that one could desire a space where they feel understood, supported and accepted. It is important to note all the interviews in this article are of people who have had access to university education in social sciences.
The social and cultural capital gained by the participants aided them in articulating their oppression. Such an advantage is far fetched for many who are left to struggle with oppression within homes alone.
Vallala Sravya is currently pursuing post graduation in Sociology from the University of Hyderabad.